That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses. (2024)

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

How dude HOW?!

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a co*ke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is co*k…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

termite twitter scares me

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View, manage, and install add-ins for Excel, PowerPoint, and Word

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”

Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his sh*t

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.